Of all-nighters…

I suppose being in a NUSSU committee has its perks. For one, I get to study in the air-conditioned office when it’s all quiet here. I have no idea how many nights this has been the place where I force myself to stay awake with copious amounts of coffee to finish studying or to get some essay done. Most of the time, I’m alone, for very few people will be crazy (or stupid) enough to pull all-nighters and therefore screw up his/her body clock. But occasionally, I have company, and they are really good company. Sometimes we talk about NUSSU-related stuff, sometimes simply about all the everyday mundane annoying stuff in our life.

And it dawned on me that it’s my final year of study. I don’t even have a year left…at most 7 months left including the Dec holidays. Time flies..and will start flying at top speed from now. I suppose that is why I take pride in being here, with my fellow students, mugging the night away.

Tonight will be another all nighter…it’s so quiet and peaceful here. No one to tell me what to do, or to tempt me into eating some fatty late night snack…only the clock ticking away, getting closer and closer to morning, telling me that I shouldn’t waste another night facebooking.

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When it rained…

I love the rain. When it’s dark outside and it’s pouring, I sorta go into the ‘dreaming’ mode. Not literally dreaming…it’s more like a feeling…the nostalgic kind, when I remember things from the past…pleasant things, and unpleasant ones too. Time seems to stop while I dream of the future, and reminisce the past memories of being with loved ones. Yet I know that things are never there forever…

Including the rain…

Whatever tough times you are going through, hang on. Pause for a moment or two and reminisce the beautiful memories. Think of the future, and there will be hope yet…

 

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Once upon a time, we aspired to be…

There was a time, not to long ago, when we dreamed of becoming princesses…all day long. We talked about prince charming, we dreamed of great things we could and would do for the people, and we did not feel ashamed of painting our nails bright pink or wearing a crown in our hair, imagining how princess-sy we were being.

But now, most of us aspire to become high powered executives, content with having a job with a good pay package, a home, perhaps, and a car.

Is reality so harsh that the once glamorous princess-sy dreams were turned into something so mundane and bland? I wonder…for I am slowly being reduced to just another cube. Every child is unique but adults are simply clones of one another. Same ambition, same routine, even the same dreams and aspirations.

Are we still living our own life. I doubt it. In the university, we conform to the culture…we mug when the rest mug (or we will be outdone), we wear the same kinds of clothes (or we will look ‘wierd’, under-dressed, or over-dressed), and we adhere to the rules (no smoking, no copying, no loud music or basketball games after 11pm, and the list goes on).

When working, we most probably conform to the culture too. We have lunch where ‘the rest’ have lunch (cause we’ve gotta network), we follow the procedures and paperwork (cause we don’t wanna get sacked) and we try to achieve as much as the rest have (so that we aren’t the worst-performing employee).

Now then, when do we actually live our own life? During our own private time? Hmm..lets see…I highly doubt that, cause if you were to really think about it, you and I probably do the same stuff our peers do every weekend.

Then again, since every girl probably aspired to be a princess (thanks to the influence of Disney) ever since she can remember, aren’t we all already clones from the very beginning?

Hmm..I wonder…

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‘Criminal Minds’ struck a chord in me…time and again.

I love watching Criminal Minds. What began as an excuse of a ‘revision’ for my Forensics Science Module (particularly criminal behavioral psychology) has turned into my ‘best friend’ when I’m too bored studying. Ok, actually I think I watch more criminal minds than study…but that’s not what I wanna write about here.

There is this character called Aaron Hotchner. He has a wife and a really adorable son. He’s the typical Type-A guy. Driven, successful and really intelligent. Being in the Behavioural Analysis Unit (BAU) he and his team flies out to different states, at irregular intervals. So, u can imagine that nobody (not even him) will know when he will be home next. Although I do admire his character, I can’t help but feel for his wife – the woman who has to go through lonely nights, caring for their only son when he’s never there for them, not even when their son was hospitalised. You can only imagine how hard she tried…but in the end, they divorced. While it’s obvious they love each other, it is also obvious that Aaron love his job more than he loved her.

She said, “I need you here.” He said,”Yeah, I will be here….when this case is over.”

I admire the courage and strength portrayed by this woman, but Ialso know that deep inside, I am afraid. I am afraid that this would be my life too in the future, because the man I love now is so much like Aaron.

Maybe that is really why I’m trying too hard to be successful…so that I won’t be left out, and so that if the inevitable has to happen, I will have my career to fall back upon, to numb myself, so to speak. But the day when I would actually use career to numb myself would be a very sad day indeed…

Life is a series of dilemma. They say to not give up on love, but they also say that when you find the right man, you will not be afraid to get married. But somehow, the mere thought of marriage scares me…

I wonder…

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Is it worth it to hope?

Sometimes i wonder if different parts of the brain can have different rate of efficiency or memory-storage ability. More neurons at that part maybe? Is this why I find it more difficult to remember exams material (which I have to, and so want to) but so effortlessly remember events that affected me (some which I don’t want to). Maybe the association of memory to that event caused more neurons to be connected, and more parts of the brain to be activated in association with that event.

Today I had my forensic science exam. One of the questions asked for the four key evidences which caused a felon to be convicted of murder in a real case which occurred in Sg, and also how the court of appeal dealt with it. Out of the four, I could only remember 2 and bits and pieces of another one. It’s such a¬†disappointment. The other questions were not easy too…as they are based more on deductions, putting yourself in the position of the investigator. I would say that the paper was interesting, and given more time, it would have been fun to do. The entire paper had 33 pages! Oh well, what is over is over I guess, and I tried my best.

Going back to memories, these days I try to keep myself really occupied with work and studies to prevent myself from remembering hurtful events (which happens to be the kind which I don’t wanna remember but which is effortlessly ingrained in my mind). I prefer to sit at someplace where there will be people around, like the student society office. If I’m not alone, I won’t dwell in unhappiness. But all these work is really making me feel tired. I don’t really know what to do anymore, if I’m doing fine, or if I should have done more – and you probably guessed it, lots of unhappiness are due to my r/ship. I would say that I’m at the edge…I wish I could do something, but I know that I can’t and shouldn’t anymore.

I’m thankful that my friends are always nearby, and they are supporting me. It’s really touching to receive an sms right before my exams from a friend wishing me all the best, and to try and to smile. Such a simple but sweet gesture…and to be reminded that he would be my pillar if I need one is really touching. Knowing that I sleep really late every night, he sms-es me in the morning to wake me up lately, and he does that every morning without fail; and borrows me his notes when I can’t make it for lecture. It’s nice to have such a friend. I have another friend who would not hesitate to come to my room to comfort me when I’m really sad…and friends who are just an sms away.

Of course, my bestie will always be there too..i know. I’m so blessed with people like these that sometimes I wonder if I really need a r/ship. If I didn’t love him (and so not attached to him), would I still be with him? I asked myself lately if it felt like I have a r/ship…and the answer I often gave myself have been disappointing. We’ll see what happens…for now, I guess I still hope, although I’m getting increasingly afraid of hoping…

The greater the hope, the greater the disappointment… when should you stop believing in something?

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Woman of substance

The recent death of MM Lee Kuan Yew’s wife sparked in me, an interest in her life and accomplishments. Listening to the news today on Channel News Asia, the reporter mentioned 3 words – ‘woman of substance’. This triggered a memory of me sitting in line, on a tar road, sometimes under the sun, listening to speeches by my already-retired secondary school principal in Monday morning assemblies. In almost all her speeches, she has always stressed the importance of being women of substance. Most of my teachers have also always told us that although it is important to do well in the exams, what is most important is inside us – our characters – humility, integrity, kindness, graciousness, patience, self-respect and respect for others, and tenacity. It is even okay to not be able to do well academically, as long as we graduate with good characters in place. The one most-uttered phrase in school was, “The end goal of education is the education of the heart”.

Till today, I’m glad that they did not stop telling us that, and it is probably the reason why i see that most of my classmates have grown up into intelligent, confident and beautiful women with strong characters to match.¬†I pray that there will be many more teachers such as these, not teachers who are merely concerned about grades and the standing of a school in national exams; so that there will be many more people as lucky as I have been.

Today, I reminisce fondly upon the memories of my secondary school days with a slight feeling of nostalgia and a huge amount of gratitude…

Thank you, dear teachers…

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I’m just not cut out for goodbyes

I cried today.

I tried holding it in, but seeing sad faces, and feeling sadness when Shree Devi and Malini held my hand in theirs really didn’t help me contain my tears. Shree Devi was holding my hand, looking like she lost her appetite. Malini was also sitting beside me, staring into space, looking like she has a big headache. I tried comforting them, but before I know it, I was the first to shed tears.

And the tears just kept flowing as I hugged them all (ok, not the guys…but Shree Devi, Jona, Malini, Nanjama, and my boss, Madam Bhagya). I wonder if I’m making a fool of myself, as I saw shocked faces. I guess no one expected an intern to cry…and it’s not even the last day!

I have 4 days left with them (minus Sunday) till next Tuesday, and then I will begin a new chapter in my life. I know for sure that I will leave this with a heavy heart. My heart weighs a ton even now…

It reminds me of how I felt when I left Bago City, only now, I feel 10 times sadder because I’ve been here 5 months, and they have been my only ‘family’ here…

I will miss them…a great deal indeed…

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