Is it worth it to hope?

Sometimes i wonder if different parts of the brain can have different rate of efficiency or memory-storage ability. More neurons at that part maybe? Is this why I find it more difficult to remember exams material (which I have to, and so want to) but so effortlessly remember events that affected me (some which I don’t want to). Maybe the association of memory to that event caused more neurons to be connected, and more parts of the brain to be activated in association with that event.

Today I had my forensic science exam. One of the questions asked for the four key evidences which caused a felon to be convicted of murder in a real case which occurred in Sg, and also how the court of appeal dealt with it. Out of the four, I could only remember 2 and bits and pieces of another one. It’s such a disappointment. The other questions were not easy too…as they are based more on deductions, putting yourself in the position of the investigator. I would say that the paper was interesting, and given more time, it would have been fun to do. The entire paper had 33 pages! Oh well, what is over is over I guess, and I tried my best.

Going back to memories, these days I try to keep myself really occupied with work and studies to prevent myself from remembering hurtful events (which happens to be the kind which I don’t wanna remember but which is effortlessly ingrained in my mind). I prefer to sit at someplace where there will be people around, like the student society office. If I’m not alone, I won’t dwell in unhappiness. But all these work is really making me feel tired. I don’t really know what to do anymore, if I’m doing fine, or if I should have done more – and you probably guessed it, lots of unhappiness are due to my r/ship. I would say that I’m at the edge…I wish I could do something, but I know that I can’t and shouldn’t anymore.

I’m thankful that my friends are always nearby, and they are supporting me. It’s really touching to receive an sms right before my exams from a friend wishing me all the best, and to try and to smile. Such a simple but sweet gesture…and to be reminded that he would be my pillar if I need one is really touching. Knowing that I sleep really late every night, he sms-es me in the morning to wake me up lately, and he does that every morning without fail; and borrows me his notes when I can’t make it for lecture. It’s nice to have such a friend. I have another friend who would not hesitate to come to my room to comfort me when I’m really sad…and friends who are just an sms away.

Of course, my bestie will always be there too..i know. I’m so blessed with people like these that sometimes I wonder if I really need a r/ship. If I didn’t love him (and so not attached to him), would I still be with him? I asked myself lately if it felt like I have a r/ship…and the answer I often gave myself have been disappointing. We’ll see what happens…for now, I guess I still hope, although I’m getting increasingly afraid of hoping…

The greater the hope, the greater the disappointment… when should you stop believing in something?

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